


The Avengers Save America

by SuperSylveonSoaker (Kolii)



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 2016 US Presidential Election, 2020 US Presidential Election, Action, Action & Romance, Action/Adventure, Character Death, Death, Democrat, Elections, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epic, F/M, Liberal Steve Rogers, Major character death - Freeform, Minor Character Death, Republican, War, mention of rape, toothpaste
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:27:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27408793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kolii/pseuds/SuperSylveonSoaker
Summary: Tony Stark realizes Joe Biden isn't going to win the 2020 presidential election. Shocked to his core that such an amazing candidate might lose, he takes matters into his own hands...
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	The Avengers Save America

‘Twas a dark and stormy Election day int the United States of America, specidfically Washington, D.C, the capital of the Nation. Donalf Trump was the president, and he was evil ☹. A real big meanie. Almost as bad as my ex-boyfriend, who would get mad at his job for making him work overtime (he was employed at my Dad’s crab shack) wiyh below minimum wage pay. He would always complain about it to me like I had any power to change my Dad’s views on the econony! Besides if we didn’t pay my boyfriend less than minimum wage, how else would I afford three new dogs every day? Riddle me this, Jeremy!

SO Trump was kinda like that except the leader of the country. Instead of complain about not being paid enough, he would make fun of Momala, Uncle Joe, and Grandma Nancy which just isn’t cool. They’re just doing their best, man. He even made fun of women and raped them all with his words. And literally. Basically I am trying to convey that Mr. President Trump was a bad man, nad the world hated him, and he was like my ex-boyfriend/friend with benefits Jeremy. Love you Jeremy! 

Tony Stark perused the Victoria Secret collection looking to buy something FANCY for his wife, Sparkles (what the fuck is her name again?), and daughter. Election day was approaching, and he couldn’t go without buying them something special . he selected a very large cup for his daughter, and a pair of lacy unmentionables for his wife. Saucy. He walked up to the counter to pay for these things. The cashier was astonished.

“Wow!!! You’re Iron Man!” The low-wage toiler exclaimed.

Tony Stark smirked (but you couldn’t see his smirk because he was in his suit).

“Actually I’m the triple-polycarbonate-laminated-plasteel-titanium man, since iron is sooo outdated.”

The cashier IMMEDIATELY apologized and gave Tony the clothing and very large cup for free as recompense for his grave error. The other customers cheered as he walked out of the store because he finally showed that stupid know-it-all cashier his place in the vast economic chain of the America. 

Then a person ran up to him. The person was dressed from head to toe in Biden-Harris apparel and had a mask strapped around his face so tight his skin pudged over the side like a fat person.  
“Mr. Stark! Mr. Stark!” A shrill voice shouted serenely at the shiny suit. “Jode Biden is losing the election! You have to help him!”

Tony frowned and pulled up the Election Tracker hosted by the New York Times. Joe Biden was ahead in every race except Pennsylvania and North Carolina, the states filled with racists. How could he possibly be losing?

“Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?” Tony Starj replied, adopting his urban youth dialect to better converse with the unintelligent street citizen. 

“Donarld Trump is going to steal the election! On Twitter.com he is saying he won, and that’s just not true man c’mon.”

Tony checked Twitter.com and found out it was true! Donald Trump was trying to steal the election!. 

“Oh shit, you right homie,” Tony said. He then activated his jet boots and flew into the sky, the heat of his boots burning the stupid dumbass who dared to presume he was equal enough to THE Tony Stark to just tlak to him on the street like that. Honestly, this happens way too much nowadays. Doesn’t anyone have a sense of social standing? 

He rang up his best friend Joe Biden as he flew through the sky. He didn’t pick up his ringer. Tony left amessage instead. 

“Hey Joseph I just heard from Twitter.com that Trump is going to steal the election. I’m going to save the election Joe.”

He clicked the phone and kept flying. 

Tony hmmmed as he flew to his mansion in the sky. How was he going to stop Donald Trum from stealing the election, he wondered? He could just fly in and shoot a hole through his chest but that would be too much, man. It had to look like Joe was elected through the electoral college or else it wouldn’t count because it wouldn’t be legitimate. 

He landed at his mansion in the sky, and entered the house. He stepped out of his suit and revealed a rockin’ six pack with huge abs that make every other man cringe and hiss like Smeagle. He had pants on though (I had to say that because Veronica said if he was naked near his kid it would be pedophilia and I don’t like that ☹. I totally would have had him without pants on though because his thingy is HUGE). He walked into the living room and found his wife Pepper on the couch, watching the election results on tv.

“Hey female,” Tony said, placing a smooch on her hair. She smelled sweet. Tony loved sweet-smelling people. He sat next to her on the couch and began describing his problem to her.

“So Job is about to lose the election to Donald Trump and I need to figure out a way to stop Trump from winning legally,” he said, staring at his rotten wife. She watched tv with vacant eyes and a gaping mouth. God he loved when she pogged like that. 

“My lady,” he said, taking her cold hand in his rough, calloused, warm hand. “I need to think of how to beat Joe I mean Donald. How would you do it?”

Pepper continued to stare at the tv, eyes sunken, sclera filled with blood. Her skin was taught and drawn across her bones like an animal skin over a bongo drum. She didn’t move, even after Tony touched her. Her mouth remained open, a dark hole from which lesser men could not escape the tantalizing beauty of. Look at it too long and you get sucked into the void, swirling endlessly inside Pepper’s mouth like an infant flushed down the toilet. Tony had stored many an enemy in her endless maw of wonders, all condemned to God’s eternal punishment by Tony himself, God’s most trusted and effective arbiter. They were a good team. 

“Perfect!” Tony leapt off the couch with a cry of joy. “You really do have all the best ideas Pepper.” He fist bumped her purple fist.

“Pepper had the best idea just now,” he mumbled as he walked into his super secret laboratory full of his metal suits he used to mow down brown children in Iraq (they were future terrorists so it was ok, and Obama gave him a medal for it so it’s double ok). 

“I need to assemble the team.”

The Avengers Assembled in Washington, D.C., at Tony’s sky mansion. Every single Avenger was there, because they are all Democrats. Yes, even Black Panther is a Democrat even though he voted for Trump in 2016. He redeemed himself by voting for Uncle Joe, thus making him part of the resistance. 

“Ok guys we need to fight back against Donald Trump’s totalitarianism. My stock market projection isn’t high enough,” Tony said from inside his suit. Always the economics major.

“I agree,” said Captian American. “He isn’t spreading democracy throughout the world enough for my tastes. How can he think about being diplomatic with Kim Jong Un or fail to bring democracy to Vuvuzela?”

Everyone else nodded except Black Panther, who stood there watching.

“I think we should just smash Donald Trump into the sand,” said Hulk. 

Everyone nodded.

“Ok folks that’s illegal,” said Tony. “But we may not have a choice, since Donald Trump is just so evil.”

Everyone else nodded except Black Panther, who stood there watching.

“Avengers, roll out!” Captain American said. Everyone jumped off the sky mansion. 

The White House was heavily fortified against outside attack, but Trump wasn’t worried. He had AA gun emplacements installed at every corner of the White House lawn.   
“Mwah ha ha!! Shoot those stupid rich people out of the sky!”

The soldiers who were just following orders started firing the guns at the Avengers. The bullets exploded in the air all around them. Tony and Captain America were hit, but Tony’s armor and Captain America’s shield deflected them perfectly. The U.S military, whom I respect and adore, was no match for private companies developing weapons of war.   
Falcon was hit by an bullet an exploded into red mist. The Scaret Witch was also hit, her legs getting blown off like an Iraqi veteran fighting musloms. She screamed the whole way down before exploding against the cement. Valkyrie had a PTSD attack because of the bullets and ran away like Trump when he gets questioned by a journalist. She would later be found dead in her apartment because Trump sent a hitman after her and she was not bale to fight back because of her PTSD. The coroner said she took fourteen bullets to the head, only the last of which killed her. Media outlets didn’t report much on her death because they’re all in the pockets of Big Trump. 

The Avengers landed on the front lawn and killed every military guy and gave them a funeral with full honors. By the time they were done with that, it was a dark and stormy night on Election Day. They breacked the White House calmly, not wanting to damage the historical monument to American greatness, and found Deadpool inside. He was crawling away from the oval office, blood trailing behind his toned body. Captain America ran up next to him and crouched down. 

“What happened Ryan Reynold?” He asked. The wound was mortal.

“I…. I thought I culd kill Trump before he stole the election…. But his power level…. Is over 9000… He stole my powers…. Aahhhhhhh” Deadpool said before dying right there.

“Shit man what the fuck,” Hulk said, crying.

“We need to be The Donald before its too latte,” Tony said.

They entered the Oval Office and saw Trump there. He faced away from them in his swivel chair. He turned around to face them, seemingly unaware of the carnage outside.

“Tony Stark! I take it Nicolas Maduro has been destroyed then. I must say, you're here sooner than expected.

“In the name of the Senate of the Untied States, you are under arrest, President.”

“Are you threatening me, Mr. Stark?”

“The Senate will decide your fate.”

“I am the Senate!”

“Not yet!”

Mr President Trump stood up, revealing he stole Ryan Reynaolds’ body and powers

“It's treason, then.”

Mr. Trump jumped over the Sacred Desk, and killed everyone except Tony, Black Panther, and Capatin America in one fell swoop. Damn.

Black Panther stood up and jumped at Donald Trump with a shrill cry. "RUTHKANDA FOREVER!!!" He bellowed like a dying putt-putt. Donald grabbed him by the throat and proceeded to painstakingly squeeze every last drop of fluid out of Black Panther like he was a tube of toothpaste. Black Panther screamed and died after an agonizing fifteen minutes of torture. 

"That's what happens to traitors," Trump said, smiling with a toothy smile.

“F*CK,” SAID captain America. “He’s just too darn strong!”

Tony shaked his head and looked at Captain America like a plebian in the headlights of his four door 2007 honda civic. 

“You poor uneducated rust belt white man,” Tony said. “This was the plan all along.”

Tony tapped a screen inside his helmet and called up an old friend.

“Yeah, do it now.”

Suddenly, Thanos jumped through the window of the oval office and punched Donal Trump in his stupid orange face. He had his glove on and he was pogging. God Tony loved it when his wife pogged. He kinda got horny when he saw Thanos do it but then he remembered he wasn’t gay (not that he had anything against the gays he just wasn’t into butts). 

“TAKE THIS DEMOCRACY HATER,” Thanos screamed, wailing Trmup’s face with the force of a thousand white whales. Tony and Captain America grabbed Trump’s arms and ripped them off before gleefully devouring his jucy presidential blood to make themselves stronger. Thanos kicked off Trump’s legs and made him look like a Vietnam veteran who failed to quell the rebellious communists in the 60s and then had to be homeless for the rest of this life because of his failure to uphold America’s most sacred of duties. Take that, Donald J. Trump.

Trump was dead. They had done it. God’s-ordained arbiter Tony S. Stark killed Donald Trump with his most trusted allies. 

Then something glorious happened.

The dark storm clouds parted to reveal a single figure in the clouds above. A sun beam illuminated his back as he floated down to Earth, angelic wings carrying him to the mortal plain. 

It was Joe Biden.

Thanos, Captain America, and Tony Stark prostrated themselves before him and whispered prayers to God for this most holy visit.

Joe Biden floated just above the ground, feet refusing to touched bloodied soil. He cupped Tony’s chin in his hand, a soft, fatherly smile on his face. Tony felt a welling of pride and indescribable joy as Joe touched him. Tears trailed down his bruised face, leaving clean skin through the muck. It was finally Tony’s turn to be recognized by God’s most glorious and useful tool to bring salvation to Earth.

“Thanks, Jack.”

Biden flew away and went on to win the election.

Tony stood awestruck.

“We did it.” A tear slipped off his face and onto the ground. “We built back better.”


End file.
